Contemplations
from the Marianas Trench

I don't know why we are worried about Iraq. I've discovered that chemical warfare is terribly important and I'm all for research. The problem is that traditionally when we think about chemical warfare we assume we are trying to kill people. And yes, we probably are, but I'm not a traditional thinker (duh), so when I think about chemical warfare I think of bugs. With good reason.

I have just had the most horrible, humiliating experience of my life. I understand that many people have a lot worse experiences and this may seem trivial to some - but there are going to be plenty of people who will never come within five feet of me again. (I've already tested my mother - she's not one of them but my older brother beat a quick retreat when I brought them up - and, of course, everyone started scratching their heads).

The Contemplator family had lice.

I've been assured this is a common occurrence. Common? I lived more than 40 years without an occurrence. Whose definition of common are they using? I've been assured it has nothing to do with dirt or uncleanliness - but all the instructions say to make sure to wash your clothes and bedding... And they say two applications seven days apart will get rid of lice. WHO ARE THEY KIDDING? Those suckers breed faster than rabbits. They are like rabbits on Viagra. So at this point we have more chemicals in our hair than Sadaam Hussein has in all of Iraq.

The ONLY thing I've heard that seems to be correct is that they are very contagious. One day only one Inspiration had them (and I'm thinking of taking the honorific of "Inspiration" away from her) - the next day two had them. At that point I was still feeling very self-satisfied. "You poor things... No, don't blame your sister, it's not her fault, someone gave them to her..." The next day the Contemplator had them. Thereafter everyone was blaming everyone else. Everyone was swearing at everyone else and quarantine and STAY OUT signs were on everyone's door.

So in the interests of those of you who may run into the Contemplator or get the critters another way, let me set the record straight. Selsun Blue DOES NOT work. Vaseline DOES NOT work. Mayonnaise DOES NOT work. RID works if you use it every day until you can see NO trace of the critters and then use it a week later. Tea Tree Oil Shampoo works once you have MOST trace of the critters out of your hair (keep in in 10 minutes and use it daily until ALL trace is gone).

Bigot: a person who holds blindly and intolerantly to a particular creed, opinion, etc. This from the Complete Reference Collection - which also says it derived from the Norman expression By God! I suppose because if one had to say "By God!" after saying something it meant they were so opinionated about it they felt God must be too.... Bigotry obviously has a long history. I doubt the Normans invented it - they were probably just very good at it. Ask any Saxon.

There are many types of bigotry - racial, political and intellectual to name just a few.

Racial bigotry disturbs me the most. To my mind there is only one race. The subdivisions of race we all commonly accept were created by European scientists - no doubt they would have been different if someone else, say, the Chinese had created them. We would then have Chinese and barbarians - probably a more accurate assessment of the state of the world and people at one time than the divisions we now use.

Political bigotry is just as arbitrary. The definitions of conservative and liberal are fluid, by country and time. Political parties change their views even more often. In fact the major political parties have deserted me a few times since I became of legal age to vote (since the Civil War, thank you). At the age of 18 I thought party loyalty was a good thing - but it was supposed to work both ways! I have decided the only way to maintain party loyalty is to become an Independent - because no one speaks for us. As soon as someone does I shall probably have to change parties again.

I used to be an intellectual bigot. That was until I got a car and figured the mechanic knew a lot more useful stuff than I ever would. I thought doctors were pretty smart too - until I discovered they know absolutely nothing about lice. They don't know if animals and humans can pass lice between then - they certainly don't know how to cure it! No - the experts on lice are the chemical companies. THEY know lice - that is, they know there is a lot of money to be made trying to kill them. Following the tenets of Sun Tzu (The Art of War) - they learned about their enemy. If you want to know about lice go to Pfizer's web site.

No, I've decided the type of intellect I admire is the "Jeopardy" intellect. I'm now impressed by anyone who is good at Jeopardy. To heck with useful knowledge.

My grandfather was a brilliant man. He was the President of a publishing company. He was not only brilliant, he had the ability to raise the level of conversation no matter who he was with. Yes, that includes family. Thanksgiving is not the same without him. I rarely heard him say anything bad about anyone, but when he did it was usually a reference to their intellect. Of Ronald Reagan my grandfather said, "You can walk through the waters of his mind without getting your feet wet." I suppose you could call my grandfather an intellectual bigot.

I was contemplating repression at first - repression of persons by race, religion, etc. However, given the news it is apparent I was contemplating repression on too broad a scale. No one is repressed any more - certainly not politicians. No one represses anything any more - certainly no the press. Am I the only one in the country that was offended that oral sex was the lead story on the news? All those programs people use to block X rated sites from their children just blocked out every news site in the world. To heck with the kids, wish I used one for myself..

My contemplation of repression made me depressed.

Because I am not keeping up with the current news, I sifted through old news and there it was - it turns out the reason I am depressed has absolutely nothing to do with the current state of political affairs (no pun intended), it has to do with the fact that I'm on the Internet. People on the Internet are more depressed than their contemporaries. Given that this was a scientific report, this may not be what the report actually said, but that was the headline.

At first this offended me. The implication is that because I spend time on the Internet I am loosing touch with reality. Well, O.K. I like that idea. What's wrong with that?

Then I began to wonder what sort of questions they asked. Maybe they were something like this:

1. Which depresses you more - that you can't get a reliable connection to the Internet or you can't get a reliable connection with your teenager? Answer - OF COURSE that I can't get a reliable connection with my ISP. Inspiration One has a car. Teenager + Car = Absence. Conversations are now brief at best, and yes, they are interrupted just as often as my Internet conversations are "Sorry, the phone's for me". But I am not powerless when it comes to the Inspirations - I can threaten to take the car for a time. This brings instant attention. What am I going to threaten the ISP with? I'll take my business elsewhere? Ha, Ha, Ha...
   
2. Which depresses you more, when your ISP does not perform or your children? There are great similarities here - the Inspirations give me busy signals when I want something done too. "Can't right now, have to (fill in the blank)." I don't even get an excuse from my ISP when I receive a busy signal - just the ubiquitous message, "The computer you are dialing in is busy, try again later..." Sooner or later - when the Inspirations want something - they will pay attention to me. My ISP can ignore me forever. Another obvious answer.
   
3. How many Internet friends do you have and how many local friends do you have? How often do you talk to your Internet friends and how often do you talk to your local friends. (This, of course, assumes you never e-mail our local friends). I have a lot more Internet friends - that's why it's called the WORLD Wide Web... I talk to them more because I can mail them any time day or night and they can reply any time day or night. If I called a local friend at 2:00 AM she would not be very happy. My Internet friends are probably on the Internet just as late as I am and happy to get mail that isn't spam. No, they can't be happy, they are clearly depressed from too much Internet use.
   

There are plenty of reasons for being depressed by the Internet. I had a death threat once from someone who read that I put my dog to sleep because he bit my son in the eye... Not enough people visit my site... My Carolan website was called drab in a review (I knew I should have used that pink background and those animated music notes...) People steal the music I sequence and don't acknowledge it's mine... Not a single spam that advertised, "You can make millions from your Internet site" proved legitimate...

Still, I thought I was a happy camper. The Internet has expanded my circle of friends - all intelligent and witty (in case they read this). The Internet has exposed me to all sorts of information and opinions I would not otherwise have been exposed to (which is both good and bad, but rarely boring).