Contemplations
from the Marianas Trench

At a cocktail party a few years ago a women informed me that there was no such thing as PMS, it was, in fact, a conspiracy by the male establishment, particularly doctors, to control women. When I realized she was completely serious I informed her I was living proof that such a thing existed. She suggested I see a psychiatrist because I'd been brainwashed. Well, I may need to see a psychiatrist, but not about PMS.

That same woman has gone on to lecture extensively on her theory. You may on the face of it consider her far more successful than I - I don't have a job - but I consider myself the more successful of the two of us because I am not paranoid or delusional. I have also moderated the symptoms of PMS.

For those of you who would like to know how I did this I will offer my strategies - and sue you if you write a book. Moderating PMS involves training, activity and drugs. Forget that stuff about diet. I can't control my diet on a normal day, how the heck amd I going to control my diet when I am half-mad with PMS?

Let's start with training. The training is not for the victim of PMS but for all those who live in close or regular proximity to her. The training is meant to make them more aware of the subtle signs of PMS attacks and react more quickly than they have in the past. The training is very simple - it involves awareness and avoidance. Awareness and avoidance are two tactics I used to teach in self-defense classes. This is emotional self-defense!

The awareness training is easy because anyone living in a PMS infected house has always been attuned to moodswings. My husband was aware that I had PMS before I was - and he didn't even know there was a Name for it! "Bitch Week" is not a clinical term. Before the Inspirations were aware of female bodily functions they whispered things like, "Better not argue with Mom today..." Being aware of approaching attacks, they then learn to run for cover when the PMS victim grits their teeth. Running for cover is also easy because the instinctive reaction to any threatened animal is fight or flight. As no one can win in a confrontation with a PMS woman, flight is the only sane alternative. Both aspects of training are easily accomplished because of the student's motivation. Forget calm relaxed atmospheres, fear is a terrific motivator - therefore it is not difficult to train families of women with PMS - excepting, of course, the others in the family who are also mature women. For those in homes with this dynamic I suggest you add prayer and as much absence as possible.

On to strategies for the victim. Activity. Preferably solitary ones. Forget meditation. If I attempt any sort of meditation (vegetation being my preferred flavor) during Bitch Week I will merely dwell on some insignificant thing that is disturbing my peace of mind at the moment. If I try to involve other people they will become the insignificant thing that is disturbing my life. Running is good, though not running after people. By the same token punching bags are good, the leather type of course. Then there is always less physical activity. Although I have not charted it I would bet my web wandering increases sharply a few days of the month.... I sense there is a bestseller here...

Neither of these strategies is the least bit effective without drugs. The drug of choice is dong quai (aka tang kwai, tangelese, angelica, etc, etc.) I buy mine from Chinese apothecaries for $3.00-$4.00 a bottle. It is also available at GNC stores and herbalists for between two to three times that. It is the best investment I've ever made. I'm told it's excellent for any "female" problem and I've known people who use it for hot flashes and for cramps (not the same person of course)... I know a great many people who are very skeptical about herbs - I was before I started taking dong quai. My answer to people who are skeptical is to tell them to try it. If they don't I figure their PMS isn't that bad anyway!

So what does this do for me? Pre-dong quai I could not calm down when I got mad during PMS. I would rage. And I KNEW I was going over board but I couldn't stop. I would often end up in tears - not of rage but frustration that I threw such a tantrum. Yes I still get mad - good heavens I have three children - but I calm down. It is a liberating experience for us all.

Some of the first books I read were science fiction. I've probably seen every American science fiction show on TV (I apologize for being so provincial). It goes without saying (though, of course, I'll say it here) that I have watched the X-Files from the first episode... that I'm a trekkie ... Which means I have a great deal of experience with fictional aliens.

There are people who are convinced they have been abducted by aliens. I don't deny the possibility. But the Contemplator is not concerned with either fictional or kidnapping aliens. I am concerned about the real ones - ones all over the earth, living along side us.

Teenagers.

I don't care who you are or what credentials you have NO ONE is an expert on teenagers. They are a special breed of person who have no relation to the person they were a year ago and who - hopefully - will have no relation in a few years to what they are now.

Don't get me wrong. I am as close as one can be to the aliens in my household. In fact, scary as it may seem, we are similar in a great many ways. We battle here and there - over the phone mostly. Duh... In my soon to be released tome, "Surviving Life with an Alien" Rule Number One is GET CALL WAITING. That, it turns out, is no guarantee you will get your calls, but it at least increases the possibility.

Life was so simple when children did what you wanted. Sometimes you had to cajole, be stern, yell or cry. Bribery worked extremely well. It's not that bribery doesn't still work - it's that it is now prohibitively expensive.

Now life is one constant explanation. Why aliens must do this, why aliens must do that, why can't the alien do this or that. Explanations usually run like this, "while you are in MY house....", Then there are the rational discussion such as, "I don't trust 17 year old men - you shouldn't either... their brains are in their pants!"

Aliens require special care and attention. I'm not sure what the gender specific requirements are. I am enjoying the challenge of dealing with the life form which took over my children's bodies and in complete contrast to my teenage years they seems to be enjoying themselves too - in spite of the fact that I can't afford to bribe them as much as they would like.